I try to imagine that I am a caveman as much as possible. I do this because it makes the most boring situations fascinating and the simplest objects ingenious and revolutionary. Consider a flashlight. A flashlight is a stupid piece of plastic that you bought at Surplus Herbie’s so that you won’t trip over a log when you’re walking out to your secret grow-op greenhouse at 2 AM. Everyone has a flashlight, right? Wrong! Cavemen don’t have flashlights. If you were a caveman you’d have to spend 15 minutes lighting a torch just so you could go crap in the forest at night. Inevitably the torch would burn your hand, and you’d drop it, then BAM! A saber tooth tiger would bite your leg off. “Damn it! That was my good leg!” you’d yell as you hobble back to your cave as fast as you can.

Now imagine that you’re a caveman and a flashlight is transported back in time and you get a hold of it. You could prance around the forest all night long, and when a pack of giant prehistoric hyenas tries to rend you limb from limb (there’s a phrase I don’t use enough), you could whip it out and shine it in their eyes and they’d be all like: “Gahhh! My hyena eyes! What the hell is this?!” Then they’d whimper their way back to their hyena nests. Plus everyone would think it was a magical, and they’d start a cult and you’d become president of the cavemen, and all the cavemen women would want to have your cavebabies.

This works for just about anything that has ever been invented: shoes, bicycles, Tupperware, hot chocolate, pillows, F-15s, chairs, dogs, and so on. So whenever you get anything new, don’t think: “These Velcro shoes from Value Village are way less cool than Air Jordans made out of gold.” Instead think: “If I was the only caveman with shoes, everyone would be in awe of me and call me ‘the great one with those feet things that no one else has.’” Or if a stray dog starts following you around and living in your house, don’t think: “This dog smells like garbage. I wish I had a purebred Pekinese that could wash dishes and fly.” Instead think: “If I was the first caveman to have a domesticated dog, everyone would be like: ‘Great Shaman, your animal powers are so great. As a tribute to your maximum awesomeness, please accept this clump of dirt and this shirt made out of sloth hair,’” or something.

Read more!

If you have talked to me in the past week, you probably know that giant camel bones were found in Syria. This makes me wonder(Channeling Dane Cook): why can’t I be a giant camel??! Just imagine being, like, 50-feet tall and wandering around the desert all the time without getting dehydrated—wicked! Then you could spit on the sand, or like, if you were at an oasis, you could spit on some rocks, or plants, or giant prehistoric Liam Gallagher. And he’d be like: “Sod off! I’m not sharing my giant prehistoric water with you. I hope you dehydrate.” Then you could trot off into the desert dramatically, without having drunk any water, because giant camels only have to drink water, like, once a year. Then Liam would say: “That giant camel is a champagne supernova. Hey Noel, why are you still a dragonfly?”

Another thing that proves I am mature: yesterday I spent 4 hours playing Super Bomberman2 and Rampart on SNES w/ Nat (Roxanne's brother). Isn't it weird that SNES games cost $60 dollars when we were 12, and now you can download 200 of them for free?

P.S. In 11 days I am going to Vancouver with my dad to see Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Philharmonic Orchestra, and we even have good seats! I bet Ovechkin evolved from a giant prehistoric camel. He's that good.

Read more!

If anyone out there has any essays or other formal writing that they want me to edit, then feel free to send it to me (mightydivot@gmail.com). I have been doing this for random friends lately, and it seems to have been a constructive experience for both parties. Actually, I am motivated to do this by self interest. Given that I will become a teacher in the not too distant future, I need practice with this. I can't promise that anything will be made perfect, or near perfect--actually, I am better with the logical structure of essays than with grammar. But an extra set of eyes never hurts, unless they belong to a shark with laser beam eyes. I am not a shark with laser beam eyes. Yet.

Read more!

Vegetable Power Rankings

1. Corn -- previous ranking: 2, change: +1

Corn regains its title as the #1 vegetable because of a strong showing on the barbecue circuit and its strong butter-combo ability.

2. Potato -- previous ranking: 1, change: -1

Potato does not have the upside of some of flashier new legumes, but potato is still a reliable top-5 vegetable. Pick Potato for its deep-fry-ability, but remember its popularity will take a slight hit now that the Irish potato famine is over.

3. Caesar Salad -- previous ranking: 7, change: +4

Caesar Salad shot up 4 spots this week after a convincing rout over Humus on the salads/combination circuit. Caesar's diverse skill-set makes it a tempting pick for the #1 salad spot.

4. Walnuts -- previous ranking: 9, change: +5

Walnut's high ranking this week is deceptive. Its value is temporarily inflated because of its popularity during the Thanksgiving season (Canadian Leagues only). Also, it is not a vegetable.

5. Kelp -- previous ranking: 5, change: --

Kelp hangs on to the last top-5 spot this week owing to heavy use by Koreans, seals, and Korean seals.

6. Carrot -- previous ranking: 4, change: -2

Carrot has long been a powerhouse in the fantasy vegetable circuit because it's good for your eyes and very portable. It's drop this week is due to the sinking popularity of rabbit-related food. Look for carrot to rebound near Easter.

7. 12-grain -- previous ranking: 8, change: +1

The strangely-named 12-grain is a rookie this year in the Vegetable Power Rankings. No one is really sure what sort of vegetable it is, but one thing is certain--it makes great bread. At the end of the day, anything that is the main ingredient in a popular bread is going to be a solid fantasy vegetable pick.

8. Tomato -- previous ranking: 6, change: -2

Tomato is a decent fruit-crossover pick, but it is dicey when competing in the pure-vegetable class. On paper it is an effective all-round vegetable, but it is sometimes underrated because of its pronunciation difficulties. Consider Tomato as a sleeper pick.

9. Turnip -- previous ranking: 11, change: +2

Turnip does not have the glamour of high-calorie competitors such as Avocado, and it is generally disliked by people who have recently fallen off of trucks. But it's a tried-and-true all-season vegetable that excels in cellar leagues. Turnip can be a high-value pick in the later rounds.

10. B.L.T. -- previous ranking: none, change: n/a

B.L.T. is a gamble. It is only provisionally a vegetable, and its status is currently under review by the Intercontinental Vegetable Identification Board. Purists point out that it contains Bacon, a food long consider to be meat, but the new school of vegetable theorists counter that it is 66% vegetable (in non-bread scoring) and therefore should be allowed to compete in the combinations category. As of Oct. 5 it is a legal pick in most leagues, and it will contend for rookie of the year because of its high fat numbers. B.L.T. is a high-risk, high-reward pick because of the chance that it will be demoted to the meat/combinations league. Go with BLT only if you are a bold Fantasy Vegetable manager and you have a strong gut feeling.

Read more!