This is where I live now. Note the distinct lack of computers and repent for your criticism. Actually, I don’t live in the forest; I just spend my days there. My nights sleep in Tumbler Ridge, which has surprisingly little to do with plastic beverage containers. The reason I am there is the Mountain Pine Beetle, which I am single-handedly trying to eliminate through a series of staring contests. Yes, I am a beetle prober. To understand what this job entails, picture the scene from Starship Troopers where Johnny jumps on the giant bug’s back, shoots a hole in it, and then throws a grenade into it causing a giant explosion of goo; then add snow.

To describe this without making things up, I am a beetle prober, which means I walk around the forest in snowshoes for 8 hours a day looking for “treatment trees.” Last Thursday it was -32, which is cold. Happily, this experience is helping to prepare me for the coming nuclear winter, which I will be working on at my next job, probably. Although this job is the most completely obvious step I could possibly take after an English degree, I have not been able to employ my English skills effectively because most of the beetles speak Dutch. So, I have been forced to resort to drawing pictures of pancakes and windmills in the snow, and then scratching them out threateningly.

The best part of this job is the helicopter rides, which are really neat because we are just East of the Rockies, so they can be seen in all their scenic rockiness. The worst part about this job is that I have to live far away from Roxanne, so I have no one to annoy. Luckily, I have the ability to store up all my annoyingness and then let it all out in one word. That word is hotmail.

Because of the sporadicalness of this job, it will probably only last for 4 or 5 more weeks, after which point I plan either to get some other random employment, or to travel somewhere. That’s that and Jack’s back. In this case, Jack is me and “back” means not back.